I have no idea of what to do anymore.
How do you heal from trauma, if your never allowed to talk to the one who caused it or talk about the one who contributed to it? Or how do you know when you’ve kept a promise to the man you admire & loved with your whole being, even though the promise you made on his death bed was before you knew what kind of person the woman who gave birth to you really was? Do you keep going with it despite what she’s done or when do you say……”I’ve done my best dad, I can’t keep her in my life anymore, I hope I haven’t failed you.” And move on?
This is the hamster wheel I occasionally stumble back onto & it reminds me how my life is as long as I’m on it.
Saturday, was such as an awesome day….I referred my very first “cold” contact to a great business opportunity & got her started training. Last month I made the mistake of agreeing with my husband that his mom would be good at this, despite knowing she’s been a cold uncaring fish for 21 yrs. I mean what kind of mother has an affair with a registered sex offender while her husband is in the hospital? what kind of mother steals from her only son? what kind of grandmother endangers not one grandchild, but 2 by exposing them to this sick bastard?
Then I turn into the horrible evil wife (once again) when I ask why he keeps in contact, when he can clearly see……he doesn’t mean squat to her (after a condescending brush off placating …whatever word you want to use. He keeps in contact with her….and originally chose her over us, because of his promise to his dad.
I GET IT…..I truly TRULY do. But I think he fulfilled his promise when we made the mistake of moving in with her after he passed (my stupid idea) to help her (them) grieve & to help her get back on her feet financially. Which just about pushed us into bankruptcy. So, shouldn’t that count as fulfilling his promise & it’s paid in full. As that year & 1/2 of being there, helped out greatly, pushed me to have to go find a full time job to help my husband instead of stay home with our not even 1 yr old baby. And if that wasn’t enough, she also schemed to get her landlady to have us evicted.
She is the master liar, manipulator & schemer. I mean she could teach pro’s a thing or 2. But he’s trapped in this promise & it looks like it’ll be that way till she dies. That’s unfair.
Don’t get me wrong….he’s far from perfect, he’s learned a lot from her, but it’s still not fair to continually punish someone. Sadly, it’s frickin’ genetic. Her siblings are just as nuts as she is AND his bio-father (not the one he made the promise to, the sperm donor counterpart) is the same, WITH anger issues (which hubby has) AND if that’s not bad enough, he’s got a daughter from hell (from one of his affairs several years prior to me) & sadly, she’s like his mom.
Course her mom could almost be a twin to his mom, behavior wise…..So you can’t tell me that crap doesn’t get passed through the genes.
But I can’t stand hearing her voice or seeing “I love you SUNshine”….how do you love someone you lie to?
But not only that….are kids argue (normal) pass the buck (normal) & other crap that has been picked up from our overly bad years when they were little. He was a walking time-bomb, come home & blow up, be home & blow up, he & I were out in public & he’d blow up, then he was always putting off I asked him to help with or the kids wanted help with.
And frankly……..they do the same thing…..just thankfully without the anger. Though my 2nd oldest did have a bought of anger for a few years that had me concerned. But the old he’s gotten the better he’s gotten.
When I try to tell him that he can get after them without cussing at them, yelling at them or threatening to get their attention through pain(which in reality is giving them a spanking, but its how he says it that irritates me, my dad was very calm when he was going to give us (mostly me) a spanking)… I’m suddenly the bad guy, because in his eyes I am just blaming him for everything that goes wrong.
It wasn’t me with the anger issues, it wasn’t me with the lying issues, it wasn’t me with the multiple adulterous affairs, it was just me too stupid to leave 21 yrs ago, let alone now.
While he was trying to blame me for everything (again), he did have 1 thing right. He said I haven’t dealt with my issues & he’s right.
How do you deal with issues that someone else has caused when your not allowed to talk about what they did? I mean, I don’t want to relive the sordid details of each affair…..I don’t care. Because there’s just not enough energy or stroking one can give to a narcissistic personality to fulfill his every desire. I couldn’t give him enough praise, I couldn’t have enough sex with him to satisfy him enough (obviously). So….that’s not what I want or need.
I’ll never hear him truly & completely take responsibility for all that he did, for all the pain he caused.
I’ll get a back door responsibility. Meaning….He’ll say I’m sorry for what I did & said to you over the years BUT!! If you (meaning me) would have just done…………..fill in the blank.
So, how I’ve dealt with it, has been by not dealing with it. Not a solution, I can tell ya. So…..he’s right.
The week of Sept 9th was the week he FINALLY stopped texting his whores & it was also the week that I realized that our marriage was dead, there was not thread left to grasp, there was no longer a heartbeat to keep coaxing a beat out of…….it was flat lined.
I didn’t care if he started up again (which is his usual MO) because after realizing out marriage was dead…….before this, I told a friend of mine his decision & how it took him an extra week to stop & then I started bawling as I blurted out “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t“. Then once I regained control, I asked her what the heck was wrong with me? I should be happy & relieved he’s picked us, but I’m not. I don’t care that he’s picked us, I don’t care if he goes back to his skanks, I just don’t care. What on earth is wrong with me? She said your in mourning. You realized that your marriage has died. You need to mourn your loss.
Initially, I thought she flipped her lid, but then realized that she’s right, I didn’t care. He could go back at having 2-3-4 skanks he was making plans to screw in person instead of just on the phone, he could move out. I had 4 kids that needed at least 1 sane parent & that was going to be me.
I was determined that I was going to do everything possible to get it to where we bought a house & I did. That first couple was a nightmare of its own. After buying almost my dream home, I was like W…….T…..H…….. was I thinking. Why are we buying a house together when we don’t have a marriage?
It took me a little while to realize that it doesn’t matter. I still have 4 kids to take care of. Grant it, one is 21 & has a job now (company’s may be hiring, but they don’t always need you bad enough to call you). But my job as a mom, is to make sure they always have a place to call home. In 6 years, my youngest will be 18, so between 18 & 25 & be ready to move out, the older kids will be on their own too.
And fingers crossed…we’ll be doing a hell of a good job on this business & we’ll be able to buy my folks’ place & then it could be Hasta la vista Baby(or as my dad says Hasta Winnebago). But I want to have an inheritance for my kids to leave for them after I’m gone. So, I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future.
I do know though……I am NOT to blame for his choices or because his daughter & mother are narcissistic nut jobs too.
Since I’ve held my tears in & refused to cry for long when they’re released…….I think part of what I need to do, is to just let it out. Just go somewhere & bawl my eyes out & not stop until I can’t cry anymore (I almost wasn’t able to stop last night, didn’t want to worry my daughter, so I made myself stop). Then I’ll be ok.
I am not falling back into that frickin’ trap of accepting blame that’s not mine & feel like I’m not worthy of love…….because by golly I am & I’ll find that kind of love again some day….In the meantime…….
I’m just going back to the stubborn, independent, bitch, caring, tempered person I use to be. That means, no longer putting up with someone else’s bullshit.
In the mean time, I have dinner, laundry & apparently an opportunity to help my oldest do his first presentation for his business (he joined us). YEAH!!!
It’s time to learn how to love, trust & be me again ;o)
Thank you for being here & listening to me…even if there’s only a few of you….means a lot :o)