Happy soon to be New Year 2019!!!!!
I’ve seen email after email after email, today talk about making New Year’s Resolutions, what they should be, how they should be, buy this or that, to help you make it to your goal.
NOW!!!! DON’T get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that, we all have to earn income…..it just made me realize that I am following WAY too many blogs out there & still too dang poor to take advantage of any of their help…..which sucks.
But, it also got me to thinking (very scary at times….and gives me a headache at times too…..like now…..or I’ve eaten too many candy rocks & my body is letting me know……either way……) it got me to thinking about my resolutions or lack there of.
I haven’t bothered to “celebrate” New Years in a good number of years, I use to stay up & watch Dick Clark & the American Bandstand bring in the New Year (that should date me quite a bit LOL), back then it was fun…I was fun. But I’ve been sad & miserable for so long……that’s all that I know. For years, I avoided the New Year celebration, I didn’t want to kiss the one I was with/near, because I wasn’t in love with him…I didn’t want to bring in the New Year pretending…..yet again.
My Resolutions started as a kid, to do more, to have more fun then switched to get a 2nd job or get a college degree, then to do more for my kids, to lose weight, to find a way to be happy in this marriage, to do all that I could to be a better wife so he wouldn’t stray, to make things work. Reaching for the impossible seemed to be my yearly, daily, monthly theme. I have succeeded at losing weight…..nearly 50 pounds….but still got more to go. (Slowly losing it, just not in the area’s I would like it to be). It’s been up & down over the last few years on doing more outside the home with the kids.
I’d have better luck at becoming an astronaut then I had at keeping him from straying, so I gave up trying. I doubt that I will stay up to bring in the new year, because I still have no desire to kiss a man that killed our marriage, destroyed our vows, broke my heart into a million pieces & changed who I truly was at my core, BUT!!
I do plan on making a resolution or 3 (or a zillion)……My top one is to be true to myself. I’ve never really ever focused on myself, in my life…..but I’ve always done things that I loved/enjoyed & shared it in some ways with others. Currently I am sharing my office chair with our 13-14 year old cat & my 1/4 of the seat is starting to kill my butt. But I miss me…..stubborn, caring, (protective) temper, attitude (stubborn one), some say I’m a bitch, some say I’m brash, but in a caring one. I don’t sugar coat things, I’m blunt, but not hurtful. I don’t let many into my inner circle, but if you make it in there…..I’ll always have your back.
I still want to lose weight…..soooooooooo tired of being fat. It’s hard on the joints and organs & losing weight isn’t any easier on the joints at first (just ask my knees & elbows) LOL I still need to finish my 2 year degree that I started 24-25 yrs ago LOL
I don’t know if my husband & I will ever fall in love again or stay together after the kids move out….I know a LOT of things have to change…a lot within me & a lot in his actions & behavior. I still get the feeling some times that he’s back to hiding things, I chalk it up to it being me. But I won’t ignore my gut. It hasn’t let me down, even though I’ve let it down.
But the other thing (there are several others) I want to focus on, is our business……I have already earned a commission check this month, I’ll get a bigger one next month. I want it to keep growing.
But I realized something recently…….I am NOT a salesman, I don’t have the magic words to flick the switch in people to make them instantly dive in. But I recently talked to a disabled vet, that had such a passion for what he’d like to do, but also struggles financially & emotionally. And then I talked to a young mom who has a very physically demanding job, has to work out in all kinds of weather & has 3 babies that are a year apart & wants to stay home with them. They both have a struggle & a need & as much as I would love to help them fulfill that need…….I can’t do it for them.
But I want to try & help them to fulfill it for themselves……..I want to do that for every one who would like to change their life.
I have a LOT in my own life that I need to work on, change, & improve….so I understand struggle. My new years resolution this year……….is to change MY life & help others change theirs. I’m starting in an area, that I know that I can change……finances. I know that for me, bringing in some extra money that will get some excess bills paid off, that will help get supplies we need here at the farm, that will help get me some new tires for my truck & some hay stored for my animals. AND I might even be able to take a vacation with my family……or at the very least, I can send my kids on a vacation.
Either way…….2019 my life is changing………for the better.
But in the mean time, my butt is hurting sitting on this tiny 1/4 section (maybe 2 inches) of my chair & as a result……my back really hurts. So, I’m going to say tootles for now.